Today's podcast featured Pastor and Counselor Brian Smilde. Brian does his counseling with West Michigan Wellness. His area of focus is informed by facing trauma and our past woundedness. If we avoid it or suppress it, it tends to come out 'sideways' or in unintended ways that we don't want.
https://westmichiganwellnessgroup.com/
It is important to face our stories, especially any experiences that have been painful. If we don't face them, and the emotional upheaval of it all, it comes out sideways.
A lie believed as truth will affect us as if it is true.
As he faced his pain, taking it to Jesus, he brought truth about who he truly was and this brought healing over time, in community, to his beliefs, emotions and behavior.
Be a safe parent, and your kids will tell you stuff, and you have the opportunity to share truth with them. Help them feel safe, see them, sooth them, make them secure.
Stop asking people, "What is wrong with you?", and instead ask "What happened to you?" instead.
If you feel something is going on inside you, find the safest person you know. Maybe don't tell them all 100 things, but tell them one thing and see where it goes. That is the key to being released, is to start talking about it.
"Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Do everything in love.."
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 ESV
Today's podcast featured Pastor and Counselor Brian Smilde. Brian does his counseling with West Michigan Wellness. His area of focus is informed about facing trauma and our past woundedness, and facing that. If we avoid it or suppress it, it tends to come out 'sideways' or in unintended ways that we don't want.
Brian shared that around 10 years ago, he began unpacking his own childhood stories, that included trauma and woundedness. This began by thinking and exploring why he had a natural tendency to be argumentative, needing to always prove his point and that he was right. It was always this way, and he was not even aware of it.
When Brian was around 12 years old, he was sexually abused by the Christian school janitor. He paid him and it went on for a number of years. When we experience pain like that, we have to interpret it. When we are young, are brain is not capable of interpreting it properly- as the part of the brain that does this is not in place and functioning well until 12 to 15 years old. Since we cannot process and interpret events and store memories, we come to our own conclusions.
The conclusions Brian came to were: "I am fundamentally flawed, there is something inherently wrong with me, therefore I have to prove myself. If anyone knew what I was doing, I would be rejected, I would have no worth, no value, so I have to hide this." I do not know the phrase, sexual abuse. I think I am in an equal relationship with an adult man having sex. These are what we call false beliefs. These false beliefs lead to disruptive emotions within us.
The disruptive emotion Brian experienced was "chronic anxiety", and he never knew it. It was something he always felt, from the time of this trauma until being diagnosed. People notice our behaviors. He felt something was fundamentally wrong with him, so he had to prove to others that he was OK. "I have to win every argument, because I don't win, I have given you evidence that there is something wrong with me, I am a loser. I don't want to give you evidence to leave me, as unworthy or being a loser, so I power up and get argumentative."
It is important to face our stories, especially any experiences that have been painful. If we don't face them, and the emotional upheaval of it all, it come out sideways. We all have something that has happened to us, and if we don't process the pain well, it will come out sideways.
We bring the past into the present. We do this autonomically, it happens all by itself. False beliefs or cognitive distortions are powerful, a distorted view of reality. What we need as kids is mature, healthy adults, who have healthy, mature brain to help us interpret events. So we need adults that feel safe and trustworthy. A lie believed as truth will affect us as if it is true.
Assessing if there is something underneath that is not being addressed if...
In different roles and relationships, how is the life situation going, is there a lack of peace there, a lack of calmness. What is your behavior like, do you have a short fuse and are easily angered. Do you respond to a "level 2" situation with a "level 10" response? What is your emotional state? Are you living with much peace, calm, assurance? Do you have identity insecurity?
Think of it as layers... The outer layer is our life situation. We show up in our life situation with our behaviors. Under our behaviors is our emotional state. Under that is what I believe. Under that is our experiences - positive and painful.
As he faced his pain, taking it to Jesus, he brought truth about who he was and this brought heling over time, in community to his beliefs, emotions and behavior.
Jesus said... "I have come that you have life, and have it abundantly...", "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free..." We need to learn to no longer be in denial about the past, and be truthful about the experience.
Forgiveness is for my sins and those of other people. We should not take ownership for someone else's sin.
It is important, as a parent to be a safe, trustworthy person for your kids to talk with you. Be a safe parent, and your kids will tell you stuff, and you have the opportunity to share truth with them. Some tips to be a safe parent so you can help them talk them out:
- Be attached, attuned and attentive to your kids (feel safe)
- Let them know you are present, you care, you see them
- You are willing to sooth them when they are agitated
- They are secure in their relationship with you, there is nothing they can do that would make you be disappointed
Stop asking people, "What is wrong with you?", and instead ask "What happened to you?" instead. This invites people to tell their story, versus defending how they feel or are behaving. Lead by being curious and compassionate, not with criticism and condemnation.
An unaddressed past, can be like a freight train, barreling down the tracks with lots of momentum that does not stop quickly, it can take miles to bring it to a stop.
Psycho-therapy is based on the words soul-healing. Jesus shared that he came to heal the broken-hearted. Jesus meets us in these places of pain and trauma. Healing has come when your feelings and behaviors have changed, the things that once deeply motivated and activated us do not have the same impact. Shame is the locomotive that cannot be stopped without being dealt with. We need a healer, a Savior, Jesus who can heal us. We need someone more powerful than us to release us from the power of shame.
Most men feel like we need to power up and power through. In order to do that, it takes a lot of willpower, and means we usually need to hide a bunch of stuff. The more stuff we hide, the problems we have, because we can't hide it all. It's like sitting in a bathtub filled with ping-pong balls and trying to keep them all under water. You just can't, they just keep popping up. It becomes overwhelming.
If you feel something is going on inside you, find the safest person you know. Maybe don't tell them all 100 things, but tell them one thing and see where it goes. That is the key to being released, is to start talking about it. Jesus talks about light pushing back darkness. When you are hiding things, there is a lot of darkness. Allow the light of Jesus to come in and expose the darkness, exposing it for what it is.
https://westmichiganwellnessgroup.com/
Chad read from Psalm 62 his reflections, his rewrite. You are encouraged to read it yourself.
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The purpose of our podcast is to help each other be better leaders, husbands and fathers for God's glory. Our discussions are based on elements from the Men's Ministry at Hillcrest Christian Reformed Church in Hudsonville, MI. For more information about us, check our website and hillcrestcrc.org