Communication in Conflict: Master or Disaster
Guest Jim Brazel – West Michigan Wellness Group relationship counselor discusses how conflict can escalate without a healthy response into disaster, and some key steps to take to master conflict that can be learned by anyone.
Jim is in a second career as a family counselor and relationship coach at West Michigan Wellness. In some ways this podcast is a take off of E7/S2 De-escalation.
Jim shared about the Checkpoint podcast, "I love this space to talk to men. Being a man, as a believer, in today’s society is tough. This does not get enough energy spoken into it. Thank-you."
Jim - "There is no magic that happens in therapy. It is just the opportunity to hear people’s stories and help them understand what they are experiencing. I let them know this is a safe place. Their privacy is absolutely assured. No judgement, we are all human at times more successful – or not."
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13
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One of the common areas that impact relationships is conflict. Conflict is going to happen in all relationships. How you deal with that conflict is a real strong indicator of whether your relationships will survive or not.
Attributes or stages we want to stay away from.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCOLYPSE. (from the John Gottman Institute)
1. Criticism
2. Defensive …escalation begins
What happens in the brain: The Amygdala (triggers fight, flight or freeze response) – when “flooded” reacts immediately when you are "flooded". YWhen your heart rate elevates, it is a signal that our brain has released 2 drugs and liver has released 2 drugs, related to adrenaline. 98% of the blood is being pushed to part of the brain for fight/flight/freeze, only 2% goes to the part of the brain that controls rational thought.
At that point, recognize that “one of us is flooded” and step away for 30 minutes or more. Set a time to come back to have a discussion about the issue at had. (See step one below)
3. Contempt. This is the stage where you are lobbing grenades at each other. You have been hurt, you have been challenged, and you want to get your shots in.
4. Stonewalling. This is where the relationships dies.
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Good news, we can come back from this. We don’t have to stay in these patterns.
Let’s talk about the Holy Spirit and what it can do with two willing individuals and the help of a trained therapist.
As men, we can be resistant to talk about things and be conflict avoidant, sometimes disguised as being a “peacemaker”.
We have two options in conflict, to turn towards each other or to turn away.
Instead of criticism, respond with a Soft Start Up.
A soft start up is simply sharing what you are experiencing. Invite your spouse or the other person into what you are experiencing. Bring the tone and tenor of the conversation down, instead of heating it up.
Mastering conflict so that it does not devolve into becoming a Disaster begins with how we initially respond to the initial conflict.
See yourself together against ‘the problem’ – the problem is out there, or on the wall or on the table, versus seeing the other person as the problem.
Naming is not blaming.
We want to name what is going on so we can identify it and deal with it. Here are some key, helpful steps you can take to master conflict and avoid disaster.
Step One – Take time to cool down if needed. Get yourself in a good space, and set a time to discuss with your spouse.
Step Two – Identify what emotion you are feeling. Jim calls this having a Soft Start.
Anger is a secondary emotion, identify what is behind the anger. Why am I angry?
Use the Emotion Wheel, you can find one online.
https://cdn.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/The-Gottman-Institute_The-Feeling-Wheel_v2.pdf
Anger is a close cousin of fear. Am I afraid of losing respect? Am I afraid of someone else getting hurt?
Step Three – Invite your spouse into what you are feeling. Be willing to admit what you are feeling.
Conflict often identifies an unresolved need or desire. Think about what is underneath what you are feeling.
"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." - 1 Peter 3:7-8
Step Four – Take ownership for what you have brought into the conflict. Admit this to your spouse.
Step Five – Make a commitment to grow into a healthier communication and relationship, being respectful of everyone around us. Take responsibility for your part of the growth to push healthily through the conflict towards resolution.
Note – this same type of approach can be done as a model as a leader and parenting your children.
Step Six - Think about who else in your circle of relationship that you want influence positively by how you are behaving.
This may look like letting your children inside, your conflict, age appropriately. In front of you kids to demonstrate conflict is normal and there can be healthy resolution.
Step Seven - Make a bid to repair. After working through the urgent conflict, engage to agree to work together going forward and ask for their partnership with you in moving toward each other.
Exercise – Active Listening. Presenter and Listener. Listener has to repeat back all the main points the presenter shares. The exercise is not done until the presenter is satisfied all they have said has been heard. Another way to get at this is to ask after the discussion, "Are all hearts good?”
Another tool, is to playback (repeat back) what you have heard. "What I heard you say is… …did I capture all that you said, so I know I am understanding what you are saying." This demonstrates that you have been fully listening. We all want to be heard, respected and desired and loved by those we are with.
These steps work regardless of communication styles.
God Space - God Reliant
As individuals, it is OK for us to admit that at times “I have nothing’. I need to rely on God to come into this space to help us sort this out. God, we need you to show up for us.
QUIET TIMES - none this episode due to interview length.
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The purpose of our podcast is to help each other be better leaders, husbands and fathers for God's glory. Our discussions are based on elements from the Men's Ministry at Hillcrest Christian Reformed Church in Hudsonville, MI. For more information about us, check our website and hillcrestcrc.org